Thursday, March 22, 2012

More than midway through Lent

We must be, because they've started the baptismal classes at our church, in preparation for Easter morning.

Already? It feels like I've barely gotten into the rhythm of this, the barest of seasons. Even at forty days long, it doesn't feel like there's enough time to truly sink into the spare, ascetic aesthetic of Lent.

But I begin to. It's funny, but for all that Lent is so simple, it's hard to write about. Or at least, it's hard to blog about. I imagine there isn't a Christian blogger out there who doesn't hear Jesus' words about hiding the fact that you're fasting whenever he or she sits down to tell the internet how Lent's going. Eep.

Lent: easy to journal about, hard to blog about.

It should be a bumper sticker, right?

But still, I think I can say this: Lent's got my attention this year. It's got my attention and is focusing that attention on how easy I am on myself most of the year. Oh, I'm hard on myself in that firstborn, Type-A I-am-never-good-enough-no-one-can-love-me way, but that way is silly and a lie, and what's more, I know it's silly and a lie, and frankly, most of the times when I do it these days, it's an indulgence and it's not truly scary, not the way it was back when I was a teenager.

This Lent, it feels like fasting is letting me hear a call to - well, what? a call to maturity. I think.

(I'm figuring this out as I type, and what I just typed is making me stop and ponder a moment.)

But, yes, maturity. I think so. I think I need to be stricter with myself, but not in the bad old adolescent ways. I shouldn't condemn myself. (Because who is He who condemns? who has the right? not me. Not me.). Neither should I force myself through whatever my fool head has convinced me is what must be done, blindly pushing through fear and pain and the clanging warning bells of my intuition. I learned that lesson back when I broke both my arms, not at once, but one after the other, because I had decided I was going to get something done and didn't stop to think. Idiot.

No, now I will think. And now I will accept God's grace (with God's help). But I want to work, and I am seeing this Lent that I have been too easy on myself.

Not too kind to myself. That's different. I was thinking yesterday that exercising, though it feels self-indulgent, isn't. Would I own a dog and not exercise it? Of course not. Should I be less kind to my own body than I'd be to the body of an animal I was responsible for? Of course not. That sort of thing, that's kindness, not indulgence. At least at this stage of my life.

But . . . but fasting has a way of pointing out all the small things I do to ease my own way through my days. That I'm not so much virtuous as indulged. (Oh gosh, I don't even want to write that, because now I'm scared all my indulgences will disappear. Can I say I'm not sure? Ay-yi-yi.) I think I'm learning from it. I think. Golly, now I want to go and rewrite this whole post. Oh well: let's just be clear that this is all thinking, and not concluding, okay?

And all this is subject to whatever I learn in Easter. Because we don't fast forever, and often what's really important lasts through the feasting times too - you need to wait and see which lessons stick. I wonder if this one will?

How are you all doing, mid-Lent?

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell


3 comments:

Heather said...

Interesting thoughts! We have never practiced Lent. I grew up in a Baptist church, and they never kept to the church calendar, although I didn't know any different back then. As I have gotten older, I am definitely thinking more about the different seasons, and while obviously a little late this year for lent, I am hoping to learn more. I may suggest to my Pastor (still in a Baptist church) to think about addressing the church calendar. I think we miss a lot by not talking about it.

Opal @ Celebrate Life said...

The churches I've attended have all been Baptist, and they didn't recognise lent.

We're now attending a Lutheran church. You know something? I'm really enjoying these 'church holidays', it's very new to myself and it's a time of reflection (at least for me). It's a great way to think about my spiritual life, and perhaps focus on ways I can make improvements.

By the way, love your new layout. You changed it, right?

Jessica Snell said...

Heather, I hope your pastor's open to the idea - the church year is such a gift, and it's really our heritage as Protestants too.

Opal - I agree that the time for reflection that the church year grants us is really one of its great gifts. And yes, I did change the layout a bit - not totally, just a few tweaks!