Game Trust, Real Trust, and Love

When I watch reality TV, I'm always surprised by the contestant (and there's always at least one), who is shocked to find out that another contestant wasn't telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but that truth. It's a bit like someone being shocked that poker sometimes involves bluffing.

Of course, there's a whole conversation about ethics that can be had here, and it's a conversation that fascinates me, but I'm going to put it aside for the moment in order to focus on something else: the nature of trust.

Game Trust
In reality TV game shows - or in just about any game - the person you can trust is the person whose interests align with yours. You  have "game trust"*. Game trust means that you can predict what the person will do and therefore you can trust them to act in the way you expect. To use game trust to your advantage, find where your opponent's interests correspond with yours, and exploit that correspondence to your benefit.

All very dog-eat-dog, right? Well, it can be. It's also very close to the reason why capitalism works and is the worse system in the world - except for all the others. Capitalism is an economic system that assumes that people are going to operate in their own self-interest, and builds all its checks and balances around that assumption. And, people being people, they do act in their own self-interest, and that's why capitalism usually works okay.

So: game trust.

Real Trust

What comes next in this hierarchy of trust? It's what I'll call "real trust". It's what we have with our spouses, our parents, our friends, and our kids, at least in the healthy versions of those relationships. We can trust them to act "not just in our own interest, but also in the interest of others".

When I was engaged to marry my husband, my mom shared a great piece of marriage advice. She said, "If it's good for Adam, it's good for you." Or, in other words, if there was a thing Adam loved - say a hobby or a job or a friend - and it wasn't something I loved, it was still good for me if he had that good thing. Because when we married, his good became my good. Anything that makes him happier, better, stronger? Makes me the same, because we've become - in ways both mystical and practical - one. His good is my good, and my good is his.

Other good relationships work this way. I have friends who have passions that baffle me - they're things I'd never want to do. But I can see the good effect that nurturing those passions has on their lives, and because I love them, I'm happy to encourage them that make them happier, better, stronger - in other words, more themselves.

So, real trust. I can trust the ones I love to love me and do me good - sometimes even to their own hurt. There are people of whom I do not need to be afraid.

Love

But, of course, even in good human relationships, there's a limit to love. We're selfish in even the best of our relationships, we can't help it. We can never fully empathize with someone else. And since you have to know well in order to love well, we can never love fully: we're not omniscient. My husband probably has a better guess about what constitutes my good than any other human being has - but it's still, at least partly, a guess. He is not all-knowing and so cannot be all-loving.

But God can. He knows us fully and loves us fully. He knows what our good is (it is Him) and is constantly working to give it to us.

And here is the marvelous thing: as Christians, the Holy Spirit dwells within us. As we commune with God in prayer, the Holy Spirit continually works in our hearts to direct them towards love and good works. As we pray for our family and friends, He shows us how to love them.

In other words, real love, full love, can be ours. It can be ours when we let God love our loved ones through us. It is not us doing the work, but Him. Will we ever see more than that "dim reflection" here? No, but the light will grow, if we walk in obedience. I'm reminded of the words Tennyson wrote in memory of a well-loved friend:

We have but faith: we cannot know;

For knowledge is of things we see

And yet we trust it comes from thee,

A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Let knowledge grow from more to more,

But more of reverence in us dwell;

That mind and soul, according well,

May make one music as before,

But vaster. We are fools and slight;

We mock thee when we do not fear:

But help thy foolish ones to bear;

Help thy vain worlds to bear thy light.

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell


*I'm not sure, but this phrase might have been invented by Linda Holmes back when she wrote for TWOP under the name "Miss Alli".