you're kidding, right?

That's what my brain told me right after Lent started, as I caught a glimpse of something from which I was fasting. I wanted it, it wasn't bad in and of itself, and when I reminded myself that I couldn't have any, to my shock, my response to myself was, "You're kidding, right?"

Myself than told myself that myself is rather entitled, and shut the fridge.

But seriously, does anyone else have this sort of response when you start a fast? That sort of weird feeling of disbelief that you're actually being denied (by yourself!) this thing that you want? And then the shocked realization that you're not used to being denied things that you want, and that you might (perhaps!) be a bit of a brat?

In my own, brief, defense, it's not that I'm totally unaccustomed to self-denial. But usually my self-denial is the reasonable kind. It's not as hard as it could be to deny myself that dream roadtrip across country when I look at my kids and realize that my indulgence would be their hurt. Toddlers need their mommies nearby, not five states away. Not to mention that my dream roadtrip would kill the family budget!

In other words, I think we get used to denying ourselves the things that we can't have anyway. At least most mature people do. I think those who don't are probably perpetually unhappy. (Which is to say, while this is a good skill to have, it's not exactly the rocket science of the spiritual realm. I'm used to self-denial in that I've reached adulthood, not in that I've reached sainthood.)

I get in trouble when I have to deny myself the things that I can have and may have, especially the things that come easily. Like candy. It's a small thing, but it's not until I tried going without, once upon a Lent, that I realized how often you run across candy in this country, how easy it is to get, and how often I did. And how much I wanted it. David Mills posted recently about his experience of giving up coffee for Lent and finding himself accidently taking on a Coca-Cola habit instead.

He points out (and I think that this is the point I'm trying to get to) that part of the point of Lenten fasting is to discover just how much of a hold the world has on you. How hard it is to give up the little pleasures. (He continues on to say that the second benefit is learning, when you get to breaking your fast, how good those pleasures really are - you learn a new appreciation for God's bounty after you've separated yourself from it for awhile.) This seems an apt place to recall C.S. Lewis' scary observation (via Screwtape) that our feeling as we get older that we're finally "finding our place in the world" is really because the world is finding it's place in us. Shiver.


Anyway, I feel weird blogging about fasting at all, given Jesus' instruction about going about life as if you weren't fasting while you fast, but I'm not sure I can spend all Lent avoiding the topic, given the nature of this blog. I'm hoping that a few "what I'm learning" posts aren't disobeying that command. Please forgive me if I do it badly. Mostly this is to say: wow, fasting makes me really aware of how childish I still am inside. That, and: go read David Mills' post. It's really good.


peace of Christ to you,
Jessica