When I most need sleep is when I have the hardest time going to bed. I'm so tired that I can't make myself go to bed. I tell myself that I could if only I didn't have to brush my teeth, floss my teeth, wash my contacts, take out my hair stuff, change into a nightie, and nurse the babies one more time - if I could just fall into bed - but I think it's more that when I'm very tired I'm convinced that unless I have fun right now, I'm never going to have fun again. Tomorrow's going to be another day of hard work, so unless I spend an hour reading right now, I'm never going to get a chance to sit down and read again.
But there's no real fun after a certain state of sleep deprivation, and I really should just go to bed.
And prayer is similar. If I don't take the opportunity right now to read blogs while my coffee is hot, I'm never going to get another chance to read and drink coffee at the same time. Why waste the coffee on Morning Prayer?
(Gosh, I feel awful just typing that out. Confessing in actual words does make you see your sins more clearly.)
But it's not true. My body needs sleep to function. My heart needs prayer to function.
Prayer is many, many things, but at the very least, it is necessary to virtue.
And virtue is necessary to any sort of good life.
I need prayer. I need sleep.
I want fun.
There is no true fun without prayer and sleep. Because there is no true health without prayer and sleep. There is no true fun when I am heartsick.
That's muddled, and not thought-through entirely, but I wanted to get it out so I could ponder it more.
Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner.