wow

I went in for my routine, 20 week ultrasound on Thursday (and excuse the lack of posts since then, but after you read this, you'll understand why), and was told by the tech, after she'd been scanning and frowning for a few minutes: "I wouldn't tell you this if it wasn't your third pregnancy, but I don't think you're going to panic: do you know what it means when you have a low-lying placenta?"

Yes, I did. Okay, so this pregnancy was a little more high-risk, hemmoraging was a distinct possibility, I probably wasn't going to get to have a vaginal birth - well, I'd had two very good births already, I could resign myself to a c-section for the sake of this child's health. Okay. I can do this. But . . .

Then the ultrasound tech said, "And, the next thing you should know . . . there are two of them in there."

I believe my exact words were, "Sweet Lord Jesus, have mercy."

Oh, and they are sweet little babies, so beautiful with their heads next to each other, and so many arms and legs moving about. Well, four kids is fine with us, we can do this too.

But then, the very scary part: they are probably monoamniotic, meaning that they share not only all their genes and a placenta, but an amniotic sac as well. And I moved from low-risk, to high-risk, to VERY high-risk. Monoamniotic twins only have a 50% chance of survival; because there is no amniotic sac membrane separating them from each other, their cords can get tangled, and they tend to die in utero.

Moreover, there is no way to prevent this from happening, other than by hospitalizing the mother for the last two months or so of pregnancy. That way, the babies can be constantly monitored, and hopefully cord compression can be caught right away - and as soon as a cord is compressed, the babies are delivered by emergency c-section. And they generally - if they make it so far - aren't allowed to gestate past 34 weeks, because by that point the risk of cord compression, even with constant monitoring, is worse than the dangers of prematurity. So even if monoamniotic twins make it, they are always preemies.

And if I am hospitalized, who will take care of the two children I already have? I know we have friends and family that will help, but the idea of being away from Gamgee and Bess for two months is almost unbearable, worse in my imagination than the idea of losing these twins. I know that's true only because I know my one year old and my three year old so well, and I am just barely getting to know these two little girls in my womb.

So I will be trusting God not only with the life of our unborn babies, but the life of our babies who are already here. He has put in me the desire to protect and care for all my children, but He has not given me the means. I will have to trust Him to do what I cannot: be the protective hand over all of my children. I will have to trust Him to be where I cannot.

I cannot put my hands on my twin girls, and keep them from tangling their cords, but He can. If I am in the hospital, I cannot watch that Bess and Gamgee are being taken care of and loved. But He can.

Oh sweet Lord Jesus, have mercy on us.



(And I hope, hope, hope that there is an amniotic membrane between our littlest ones, that this (non-high-level) ultrasound just could not catch. Please, Father, please.)