I’ve kept a journal regularly since the first day of eighth grade which would be, oh, fifteen years ago. Wow.
Not daily, mind, but regularly. And it’s funny to see how it’s changed. For me, journaling has always been more about personal growth than about remembering what’s happened, though I have my share of those entries. The “this is so wonderful, I just need to get it down so I never forget” sort of entries.
But more, journaling has been about figuring out what I’m feeling and what I think. I’ve often said, “I don’t know what I think until I read it” and that’s true. When I don’t journal, I feel lost and confused, because my thoughts are disordered. If I can get my thoughts down on paper, I know what they are, and then they’re contained and I can examine them. After examining them, I can pray about them, think about them, and decided what to do about them.
Not being a complete idiot, I get rid of any journal entries I really, truly, never want anyone to see. Most of them aren’t like that though. I mean, I’d be embarrassed to have anyone read my journal, but I’d probably be more embarrassed for whoever read it than I would be for myself, because I think it’d say more about their character than it would about mine. No one who knows me would be surprised at, say, the amount of anxiety present in my journal entries, you know? Most of my habitual sins aren’t that invisible, sadly.
Which leads me to why I’m writing this blog post: people often think of journals as secret, sacred spaces. But I’m coming more and more to view mine as a tool. As a necessary part of keeping myself spiritually disciplined. And I think largely that’s because I am, and always have been, a writer. And unless I incorporate writing into my spiritual life, my spiritual life is not integrated, not whole.
I wonder if it’s the same for musicians? Do they have to – in addition to the hours they spend practicing or composing – spend time just playing for the joy of it? Or in earnest worship? Or in emotive release?
Is it a need for anyone who has a talent (and everyone has some kind of talent) to sometimes use it not for production, but for calibration? Journaling feels like a tune-up; it’s how I get my heart in line with my head in line with my body.
I still record momentous events – well, sometimes. I still pour out my frustrations – well, occasionally.
But mostly, I circle ‘round the areas in my life where I’m trying to build virtue, where I’m trying to defeat vice. I look at my various goals: a better devotional life, better mothering, better writing, better housekeeping, better health, a good marriage, better friendships, and I ask, is what I’m doing working? How can I fix this? What’s worth keeping here and what do I have to prune?
And then I pray about them - in writing. Lord help me, help them, help us. May your will be done.
It’s centering and it’s calming. It’s a tool for peace.
So . . . am I the only one? And if it’s not journaling in your life, what is it? What do you use to calibrate yourself? To present the turmoil of your soul to the Lord and submit your life to His will? To accept His presence, His instruction, His peace? I’m very curious if it’s writing for anyone else, and if it isn’t writing, what it is.
peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell
5 comments:
I also sometimes don't know what I'm feeling/thinking unless I write it out. If I really don't want anyone to read it, it goes through the shredder.
Your reasons for journaling are precisely mine as well. I find it helps me immeasurably to organize my thoughts on paper.
On the private vs public nature of a journal, I think public is MORE helpful. I found when I was keeping a diary or using LiveJournal to communicate with friends-only, I tended to do a lot more complaining. "This is what happened to me today, isn't that awful! Woe is me! Life is hard!" etc etc etc. A public journal, on the other hand, forces me to choose what I'm focusing on, and most of the time I try to put a positive spin on it. I feel it's more therapeutic to have to think through my posts (as I do when journaling publicly) rather than simply transcribing what I'm feeling (in other words, ranting and raving and venting.)
I journal a lot when things are turbulent and tumultuous. It is an exercise of prayer and of processing through the whole whack of stuff that is floating through my mind. When things are calmer (emotionally calmer, that is), I don't tend to journal at all. I journaled quite a bit through the house building process (no big surprise, I suppose) but I don't think I've written more than a couple pages since we moved in.
After we moved in I started doing a daybook entry once a week (based on the Simple Woman's Daybook) to help me reflect on the past week, put some pictures together with events, and to help firm up my memories because time seems to be moving so quickly these days. It is sort of journal-ish, but not as emotional and immediate but instead more reflective. It is a good practice for where I'm at, and it gives me something I can share with family so they can be a little more part of our day to day lives.
I use journaling exactly the same way. It is a processing (to the more rational vs. emotional end) and prayer tool. I haven't journal much in the last decade or so - my energy has been used for my quest for information about homeschooling and Down syndrome but I still miss it.
Before I let go of journaling, I found that I was using it too much instead of living this life. I would much rather journal than make a phone call to a dear friend. Perhaps it was because I felt that while journaling I was speaking (writing) to/with the Lord.
I really feel the need to get back to it these days. My life is much calmer now that my children are older. I feel it would really benefit my spiritual health and growth.
Definitely it's writing for me.
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