Monday, February 25, 2008

if you've ever kept a journal

I'm a journaler; I have been, regularly, since eighth grade. But there are always those times, every year or two, when for some reason or another I stop journaling for a month or so. When I come back, I feel a burden to spend pages catching the record up. Yet it's an impossible task, so instead of taking twenty pages to summarize what I missed recording, I just apologize (yes, I apologize to my journal; I know, I'm weird) and start up again by talking about that current day.

Here on this blog, at least, I can apologize to the people who read it: I'm sorry, I've been remiss. In my defense, pumping milk around the clock, taking care of two toddlers and visiting the NICU every day takes a lot more time that I would have guessed. We are all well here, and the twins are well at the hospital. At this point, they are very healthy (thanks be to God!), and once they learn to eat on their own (i.e., once they don't have to be tube-fed), and hopefully gain a bit more weight (they're still well under 5 lbs.) they will get to come home. (Please pray that they learn to eat!)

It feels appropriate, somehow, that it is Lent as I write this. I admit, I'm not officially fasting from anything, having decided that the postpartum experience of being without sex, sleep or a pain-free body was probably enough to be going on with this year. Add to that the overwhelming sadness of being without my daughters, and I think you have a Lent that's Lenten enough for anyone. Sometimes, I think, God chooses the fast He wants to you practice, and then it's best to just go with what He's set before you.

It helps, somehow, that it is Lent, because approaching the task set before me like it is a real fast; approaching it as something seasonal, appropriate and (above all), finite makes it easier to face. All experiences earthly come to an end, and Easter is always, always, always waiting at the end of Lent, as our Lord awaits at the end of every Christian life.


Also appropriately, my baby girls' original due date is almost exactly Easter day. Since preemies are usually home by their due date, I am looking forward to the Queen of Feasts with even more longing than usual. (Not that I have a guarentee, just a reasonable hope.) AND, my oldest daughter is scheduled to be baptized this Easter at the Easter vigil service (Saturday night). It doesn't feel like I'll ever get there, like I'll ever have the joy of all six of us together in a pew at church, but by God's grace, it will happen, we will get there, my baby girls will come home. It is Lent, but there is Easter at the end of Lent, and I will keep walking towards it, one day at a time, because there is no other way to get there. Lord have mercy.

peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

4 comments:

Elena said...

May a glorious Easter morn come to you soon.

Kerry - A Ten O'Clock Scholar said...

Yes, you've had more than your share of Lent.

BTW - I do the same thing with my journals...apologize. So silly, isn't it?

At A Hen's Pace said...

Jessica--

I am praying that your girls will grow and gain and soon be home!!

My last baby was born on Ash Wednesday and I felt the same way--like I had been in the middle of a super-long Lent, and I just didn't feel at all inclined to fast in any way except the fast that I was in--from sleep, from from well-being, from physical energy... Praying for your recovery too!

Blessings--

Jeanne

Amber said...

I've journalled off and on and I know exactly what you mean about wanting to catch-up and apologize. I do the same thing with my blog too, as silly as that is. That is wonderful that your daughter is going to be baptized at the Easter Vigil! I do sincerely hope that all six of you will be there together on that night.

I'm praying for you all!