Anxiety and a Rule of Life

In my second post about writing a Rule of Life, I talked about discerning the need for a Rule, and in my third, I talked about keeping track of what I was already doing. At the end of that third post, I implied that my next post was going to be about the prayer retreat where I wrote the first draft of my Rule.

But I’m going to take a one-post diversion away from that sequence, because there’s something else I want to talk about first.

I want to talk about how having a Rule of Life has helped me with my anxiety. *

One of the best things having a Rule of Life has done for me is that it has let me make big decisions from a place of rest and peace—and that has helped me make good decisions on the smaller stuff, even when I’m in a place of worry and exhaustion.

By taking the time to pray through my schedule and my responsibilities, I was able to decide what my days and my weeks should look like. What was most important? What did I want to do, for sure, every day? What came after that? When was the right time of day for each activity? And, what was my plan for days that weren’t normal—days when things went wrong? What was I going to do when someone got sick or a friend or family member needed me?

I thought through all of that, and I prayed through all of that, on my retreat. I made those decisions in a place of peace.

And it has made all the difference on the days when I've felt crowded and anxious and in the dark.

What was the key? Trusting the decisions I made in peace. On days when I'm anxious, I can tell myself, “I know you think the world is ending. I know you think this is a disaster. I know you think nothing can ever be right again. But we’re not listening to you right now”— (yes, I know, apparently when I talk to myself I either think I’m plural or I’m using the royal we) —“right now, we are going to do what we already decided we’re going to do. We’re not changing the plan because you feel awful. We’re just going to do the next right thing.”

And—this is the brilliant part—I knew what the next right thing was!!! I’d already prayed about it. I’d already held my thoughts and desires before the Lord, I’d meditated on His word, I’d prayed and listened and thought it all through.

I let my peaceful self make the decisions. And that kept my anxious self from having to bear that burden.

You know that old truism that you only have so much will-power during a given day? A Rule of Life means you only have one decision to make: Am I going to follow my Rule or not?

Life-changing, guys. It’s been life-changing.

Does that mean I never make tweaks or small adjustments? Of course not! I am still a mom, and not a monk. I can look at a given situation and say, “Yeah, the wise thing to do now is toss the plan and just sit and listen to this kid.” 

But, honestly, even that kind of thing is something I thought about while making my Rule. My duty is first to God, and then to my husband and kids. Then other duties follow. So if my family is in need, that’s the kind of thing that takes priority. (You do have to have some kind of flexibility. I said that I’m a mom and not a monk—but even monks are monks and not robots.)

Still, even with the un-eveness of daily life, having a structure to my days has been life-changing, and it’s been especially life-changing on the days when I’m feeling anxious. I tend to make bad decisions when I’m anxious. I make decisions that make my world smaller and scarier and harder.

So, having a Rule that has already made a good deal of my daily decisions for me? Has kept my bad days from making my whole life bad. Because if I have a terrible day in which I still know what my duty is and I still do it, that means that when I start my next day—which might be a good one!—I don’t have any awful messes to clean up. I haven’t fallen horribly behind.

And instead of feeling angry at my yesterday’s-self, I feel grateful to her. She had a hard time, and she kept going anyway, because she wasn’t confused about what the right thing to do was.

A Rule is a guide-line. Even if you’re blind-folded, you can keep your hand on it and keep walking in the right direction. You might walk more slowly, but at least you won’t be walking in circles.

And when you’re able to take the blindfold off, you’ll know where you are.

I am so grateful for my Rule of Life.

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell




* Important note: Clinical anxiety is something that deserves clinical treatment. I have sought help from my doctor and from a psychologist in the past, when my anxiety actually was that acute, and I’m glad that I did. I’d encourage you to do the same, if yours is serious. I’m not talking about serious, diagnosable anxiety in this post. Having a Rule is a tool that you might use in that case—as I do myself!—but I would not look to a Rule as a cure or as sufficient if you’re in the middle of, say, panic attacks. Please seek professional help if you need it—it’s there for that reason, and it’s a great blessing—much along the lines of the availability of insulin for diabetics and eye surgery for cataracts!

(Also, it should go without saying, but: I am not a medical professional and nothing in here is medical advice.)

Weekly Links: some good reading from around the web

wouldn't mind heading back here...

SOME interesting links FOR YOUR SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SET OUT IN MY USUAL CATEGORIES OF FAITH, FAMILY, AND FICTION...

Faith 

-"Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread...": a good poem for Sunday.

-"A Commendation of Leviticus": a helpful guide to a book that often stymies Christians in their Bible reading.

-"15 Proverbs for Social Media Users": much-too-applicable to real life!

-"Some Things You Should Know About Christians Who Struggle With Anxiety": yes, this.

-"On Daughters and Dating: How to Intimidate Suitors": I loved this. I loved the implication that the truly admirable men are the ones who look at strong, godly, content women and say, "Oh, yes please". And that the best way to protect your daughter is to raise her into a woman who is competent and who knows her worth and who knows her family and her God love her, support her, and have her back.  A snippet:

Instead of intimidating all your daughter's potential suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own. 

Family 

-"McMansion 101: What Makes a McMansion Bad Architecture": I fell down this rabbit hole thanks to Anne Kennedy, and I don't regret it. This was fascinating.

-"How one family is sending 13 kids to college, living debt free - and still plans to retire early": inspiring stuff!

Fiction

-"Where Her Whimsy Took Me": a love letter to Dorothy Sayers' excellent novel, Gaudy Night.

-"The Writing Tricks We'd Be Naked Without": a good round-up of tips for my fellow writers.

-"The Unofficial Rules of the Starship Enterprise": This hilarious list-style bit of fanfic confirmed my secret theory that life aboard a REAL starship would inevitably involve a M.A.S.H.-style illegal still...


I hope you have a good weekend!

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

This post contains an Amazon affiliate link; if you purchase a book from this link, I receive a small percentage of the purchase price.  (See full disclosure on sidebar of my blog.)

Weekly Links: a free Mars Rover video game, advice on socializing as an introvert, and more!

SOME GOOD READING FOR YOUR SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SET OUT IN MY USUAL CATEGORIES OF FAITH, AND FAMILY, AND FICTION...

Faith

-"Praying for the Police":

It’s easy to be cynical about the cultural Christianity that infuses life in the Bible Belt like hot water in a cup of tea. But this gathering—following so much anger, fear, destruction and despair—touched me. Members of my own family are in law enforcement. And another member of my family is a young black man. I don’t want to lose any of them. 

-"The Gift of My Anxiety"

-"The Casserole-Toting Church ladies Hold the Secret to Happiness": This one is absolutely my favorite link of the week. 

-"Rosaria Butterfield: No Free Passes": I've been impressed by everything I've seen from Dr. Butterfield, and this interview is no exception.

Family

-"Ask a Boss: I'm an Introvert and It's Holding Me Back!": This article is aimed at a work situation, but it still has some of the best advice I've ever read for introverts, full-stop:

A lot of introverts ... just resign themselves to this aspect of work always feeling like a performance. It can be an exhausting performance when it doesn’t come naturally, but their thinking is that it’s like anything else you might have to do at work that you don’t love — say, filling out expense reports or sitting through a boring staff meeting. 

But I think you’re more likely to be happy in the long term if you figure out your own ways to build rapport with people, even if those ways don’t look anything like the methods your colleagues are using. One of the most straightforward ways to do that — and one that a lot of introverts find easier to pull off — is just to take a genuine interest in people. You probably have a natural curiosity about people somewhere in you, even if you don’t typically indulge it at work, and this is the time to let it out.

Go over and read the rest of the article too--it's worth it--but I just love that core kernel of an idea: that introverts have their own way to be both genuine and social. It doesn't have to be a performance; when you hook socializing onto our natural fascination with the world, we can socialize with real interest, and not with awkward falsity.


-Mars Rover Game - my kids have been alternately enthralled and completely frustrated by this free game from NASA. Enjoy!

Fiction

-"Christian Fiction and Biblical Worldview Stories are NOT Synonomous": 

[CBA-approved fiction].. is framed by specific boundaries. While it exists within a biblical worldview, it only represents a cubicle within that world. Strictures such as no profanity, no graphic sex, no zombies, or explicit redemptive themes, are unique to the genre. They do not, however, necessarily frame a biblical worldview. CBA guidelines are far more evidence of a specific theology than they are necessarily representative of the larger biblical worldview. 

-"Praying for Romance": I enjoyed this article by about romance-writing from a Roman Catholic, Filipino, indie point-of-view. 


-Finally, this video is just a ton of fun (and if you pay attention, the task assignment is really clever):

I hope you have a lovely weekend!

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

Release day for "Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Very Good, Very Bad Dog"

Callie would like you to know she doesn't always look so guilty.

(Okay, so that's a lie.
But she's still very sweet, I promise.)

Today is the release day for "My Very Good, Very Bad Dog" and I have a story in it!

Or, if you like, that sheepish looking dog above has a story in it. :)

Callie is the subject of the story "Right", which you'll find on page 101 of said volume, and which starts like this:

"Hi, I'm Jessica, and I have an anxiety disorder."

I do, actually, and the story of how Callie turned out to be just the dog to help is found in the pages of this new book. If you pick up a copy, I hope you enjoy reading about that, and about all the other remarkable canines chronicled in the book.

And here's something really cool: in addition to my own excitement, it turns out that my daughter, at age 11, is a big fan of Chicken Soup for the Soul, and it was so fun to hand her a copy of this book, and see her excitement when she learned that not only had her mom had a story published here, but that she got to read it before it was even in the bookstores. 

Now that's a perk of writing I didn't see coming - but I love it! :D




-Jessica Snell

This post contains an Amazon affiliate link; if you purchase a book from this link, I receive a small percentage of the purchase price.  (See full disclosure on sidebar of my blog.)

Weekly Links: Marijuana, Weight Loss, Train Trips, and more!

My weekly (okay, I missed a few weeks) round-up of interesting reading from around the web:



"Big Marijuana's Big Debut": Wow . . . the comparison to Big Tabacco seems apt. Also, this bit is truly terrifying: 

Marijuana users have a six times higher risk of schizophrenia, and are significantly more likely to develop other psychotic illnesses.

"Researchers Find Textbook-Altering Link Between Brain, Immune System":

. . . there’s an enormous array of other neurological diseases, from autism to multiple sclerosis, that must be reconsidered in light of the presence of something science insisted did not exist.

"Why It Was Easier to Be Skinny in the 1980s": Say it ain't so!


"Parents Can Learn How To Prevent Anxiety In Their Children":

Children of anxious parents are more at risk of developing an anxiety disorder. But there's welcome news for those anxious parents: that trajectory toward anxiety isn't set in stone.

"3 Types of Writing Work Days": Oh, so familiar.


"Across the USA by Train for Just $213": I'll pack and be ready to go in ten minutes, 'kay?

"Romance Panacea Part II: The Betty Neels Canon, Gifts That Keep Giving":

Betty Neels’ appeal lies in her consistent inclusion of certain elements: the hero’s secret yearning for the heroine while coming across, to quote Damsel, as “tender and amused and mocking”; descriptions of rich and lovely meals and the heroine’s modest, tasteful wardrobe; the narrative’s stately pace, the hospital workday broken up by meals, coffee breaks, rest, and occasional day off, or holiday; the special outings, a drive, a skating, or site-seeing party; the sheer pleasure of a comfortable not terribly eventful life; and, most fascinating for Miss Bates amidst what she’s listed here, cryptic messages the hero’s gifts subtly offer concerning his feelings toward the heroine . . . All this, combined with polished, gently-toned, gently humorous writing make for a wonderful few hours with each book in the Neels canon.

"Advice on Hosting and/or Accepting Speaking Engagements": Just a good, solid how-to article.




Any interesting articles catch your eye this week? Link to them in the comments!

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

follow-up on "Brother Ass"

Gustav Jaeger: Bileam und der Engel, PD-US, via Wikimedia Commons

This is a follow-up on my post "Brother Ass".

I ended up talking to my husband about that blog post - the one on bodies, emotions, and the prophet Balaam.  And in that conversation, and after reading comments on the original post, I realized that there was a little more that I needed to explain.

What I'm not saying
In that first post, I talked a bit about how our bodies and our emotions are inseparably tied together.  But here's the thing: when it comes to stress or anxiety or depression or the like, I'm not saying that it's all in your head. I'm not saying: make yourself feel better, and then you'll feel better.

I love traditional medicine.

I have traditional medicine to thank for the fact that my kids and husband are alive. My youngest two children were saved by modern medicine (monoamniotic twins) and so was my husband (melanoma).  My sight was restored by modern medicine (laser surgery!) and I've been grateful for antibiotics and vaccines time and time again.

And psychotropic drugs? They are a Godsend when you need them.

So I'm not saying: be happy and you'll be healthy. It's more complicated than that.

What I am saying
Our bodies, though, are more connected to our minds and our emotions than we'd like to believe that they are.


We want to believe that our feelings have nothing to do with our health. And that's just not true.

Of course, there are things we can't control, like genetic predispositions to depression. Or the brain development that results in autism. Or cancer striking out of the blue. Or so many, many other devastating illnesses, injuries, and conditions.

But what can't be denied is that our psychological states affect our bodily functions, and vice versa.

Stress results in cortisol spikes that lead to all manners of disease.

Or try going without sleep for a night or two in a row. You'll be as drunk as a sailor.  Or at least as same as makes no nevermind. You can mind-over-matter that.

God made us with bodies. Those bodies aren't something separate from us. They are part of us. They are not the whole of us, but they are us.

If you deny your body, you're a heretic. Having a body is part of what it means to be human. Your body is part of you. And it changes how you experience life and how you can experience life.

And sometimes, when you're particularly in denial, your body can be smarter than you are.

Your body might be what sees the danger before you can, like Balaam's ass was able to see the angel before he could.

Your body might warn you - by panic attacks, by back aches, by persistent lethargy - that you're living in a manner that is unsustainable.

St. Francis
St. Francis famously called his body "Brother Ass" - and that's where I got the title for these blog posts.


Because our bodies are like that. They are dumb animals - dumb until God grants them speech.

And then they tell us what we really need to know. They warn us about the angels in our pathway; they save us from death.

People used to call this sort of thing "nervous breakdowns". Now we might say "panic attack" or "depressive episode".

But it's the same thing: our bodies are no longer able to carry the burdens our minds and hearts force on them.

I like this about bodies: that they are honest. Like the animals that they are. They do their best, but some things are too much for them. Drink too much, eat too much, sleep too little . . . eventually your body will let you know about it.

Balaam's ass carried the prophet well, as far as she was able. But eventually, she was able to tell the prophet about a danger the prophet himself could not see.

Our bodies do the same thing.

And I am grateful for that.


Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

Brother Ass

Pieter Lastman, Balaam i oslica, PD, via Wikimedia Commons

I've been thinking a lot about how we carry our emotions in our bodies. We feel fear as a knot in our stomach or a race in our pulses. We feel joy in the sudden rush of adrenalin and a glow on our faces.

But so often we ignore the emotions. (Which we can't do. Not really.)  We don't want to feel them, especially the bad ones.  And sometimes we don't want to feel the good ones either, because we're scared of loving them too much before we inevitably lose them.

So instead, we run from our emotions, or fight them, or try to push them away. And where do we push them? Into our bodies.

I think. This is a theory I'm working on, anyway. I think we let our bodies carry the emotions we won't feel. (Or can't bear to feel.)

Like Balaam's Ass carrying the prophet, our bodies carry our feelings.

And sometimes the burden gets too heavy, and our bodies suddenly refuse. They stop, and fall down on their knees, and crush us against the wall.


Our bodies can carry our emotions for a while.

But not forever.

Eventually, we have to face what's in our hearts, we have to face the structure of our minds (that grew well or stunted in our youth), we have to face the formation of our souls.

And we have to begin the slow, hard work of learning what was bent in us, and how, and why, and where-do-we-go-from-here.

And it's to be hoped that we have wise counselors, mentors, psychologists, pastors, friends, spouses, etc., to help us in the process.

But you can't ask your body to bear your burdens forever. Eventually, everything you are will come out into the light.

Whether you want it to or not.

Your body can't bear it forever. It's finite. It just can't.

It will break down.

This is the way of bodies.


But these bodies are not forever.

By the grace of God, by faith in Christ, our hearts will be whole, and they will have whole bodies to bear them.

We hope for a better resurrection.

I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.  Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,  in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.  When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory? 

O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

-1 Corinthians 15:50-58 




Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

Anxiety, "The Problem of Pain", and work

So, I had a day last week that was really hard. It was hard in a parenting sense. It was hard in an anxiety sense. It was just hard.

And I decided (God's grace!) to meet the anxiety with faith and with - here's the surprise - with work.

I'm learning, more and more, that the thing to do with anxiety is to meet it square. Not deny it, not run from it, not pretend it's not there. But just to say, "Oh, there you are. I see you. I accept you're there. And now I get to choose what to do."

And so often, the right thing to do in answer to anxiety is to go to work.*

Activity, even if it has nothing to do with the worry at hand, is amazing for dismissing anxiety.**

The value of work 

Stopping, praying, journaling, and then getting actively to work . . . it’s everything. It’s the difference between despair and joy.

And that’s not running away from the fear. It’s not hiding it or denying it. It’s saying, “Here it is. I see it. And” – not but. And – “I am going to do this.”

On that hard day though, all the same, I was so glad when my husband came home.  He sanes me. And if "sanes" is not a verb, it should be.  

Also, another thing that really helped me was some quotations I'd copied down from my reading. Rereading the words of wiser Christians is terribly grounding.

Lewis on pain

Speaking of quotations from wiser Christians, I also want to copy down, oh, all of the chapter entitled “Heaven” from Lewis’ “The Problem of Pain”. But I’m not sure that’s very practical.

First Lewis talks about the jeer “pie in the sky” and observes either there is pie in the sky or there isn’t . . . and that it’s safe to talk about heaven to the pure in heart, because there’s nothing in heaven any mercenary soul would want. Those who love God are the ones who want to see Him.

And then he talks about his idea of “joy”, and oh, it’s glorious. The thing I’ve been looking for all my life . . . and I realized that that, really just that, is the reason why, in the end, I write fiction. Because it is the time I come the closest to grasping – and to expressing – that thing it is that I see

always on the edge of breaking through” – that thing that “beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for . . . you have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it – tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest – if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself – you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say ‘Here at last is the thing I was made for.’

Yes. That. It's what I mean when I talk about "domestic glory". It is the “home” theme that shows up in all my stories. It’s what I mean when I talk about the scent of the sea and roses against the white-and-blue sky. But . . . but it’s not quite any of them. It’s what draws me to romance, and yet also to science fiction and fantasy. It’s that boundless horizon married to the sweet comfort of a snug house. It’s . . . yes. It’s that thing.

And then Lewis points out that God put this difference in all of us – that He made us individuals on purpose, and that this secret, unique hunger in each of us is no mistake:

Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.

And then he points out:

For it is not humanity in the abstract that is to be saved, but you – you, the individual reader, John Stubbs or Janet Smith. Blessed and fortunate creature, your eyes shall behold Him and not another’s. All that you are, sins apart, is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction.

And oh, that makes me want to let God have His good way with me! Be gone, oh sins.

And then Lewis goes on to his next point, and it really, really resonated with me after the way work seemed to be what saved me from despair, just a few days ago:

And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you. ‘The door into life generally opens behind us’ and ‘the only wisdom’ for one ‘haunted with the scent of unseen roses, is work.’ This secret fire goes out when you use the bellows: bank it down with what seems unlikely fuel of dogma and ethics, and then it will blaze.

I am reinspired by the idea to “do my work with gladness while it is day, that when night cometh, I may rejoice to give thee thanks”.

And it gives me an entirely different way to look at that hard day's difficulties. When my child's  meltdown, and the scary money costs of dental work tempt me to despair – and even less (or more) than that, to whine and pout and complain – instead, these words of Lewis show me that my troubles are actually not just difficulties or attacks.

They are part of the work God has given me to do.

How do I say this properly? Because I see it really clearly, and I want to get it down in words so that I don’t forget it in other times.

These trials, these worries, these events, these hardships . . . they’re just part of the work. They’re not threats. Because they are allowed by God, and he has allowed them to come in my way, which means that He means to help me deal with them. It’s not me cowering in a corner being hit. It’s me walking in the way my Lord has directed me to walk, ready to take care of what’s in front of me because those are the tasks he’s asked me to take care of.

Do you see? There’s such a difference there.

And, with that, I go to work.

Peace of Christ to you,

Jessica Snell

*Other times the right thing to do is to build a blanket fort and borrow in for the day. Just saying.
**Clinically significant anxiety is not necessarily why I'm talking about. For that, psychotherapy and medication may also be necessary and commendable and even life-giving. Really, truly.




This post contains Amazon affiliate links. (See full disclosure on sidebar of my blog.)

Weekend Links: Quick Writing, Anxiety, the Passive Voice, and more!

"The Value of 10 Minutes: Writing Advice for the Time-Less Academic":

Let’s start with the obvious point that writing in short bursts will declaw the activity of writing precisely by demystifying and normalizing it. If writing is something you can do in 10 minutes, like running to the mailroom or shoving a sandwich down your throat, then it seems hardly worth the paralyzing stress it tends to cause so many of us. 

"No Wonder We Hate To Buy Cars":

I hold to the philosophy of buying new and driving until the serious problems begin—maybe seven or eight years with the right brand, all the scheduled maintenance, and a little bit of luck. I hold to this position largely because I consider cars magic. They exist far beyond the boundaries of science and reason and firmly within the realm of wizardry. I have no idea how they work and live with the fear that if I touch anything beyond the gas cap, I will disrupt the sorcery and cause a total breakdown. 

"Anxiety and Depression, My Strange Friends":

So if anxiety and/or depression is your affliction, I am sharing this part of my story to remind you that there’s no shame in suffering from this or any other affliction. In fact, our afflictions may be the key to our fruitfulness as ministers. “Damaged” does not mean “ineffective.” It does not mean “done.”

-Elena's ode to the passive voice is both funny and touching. I love the sentence, "Still, my rebel soul's been captivated/by peace."  Go read the rest here.

-And finally, for aspiring writers out there, this week on her "Simple Mom" podcast, Tsh Oxenreider and her agent, Jenni Burke, give a really good overview of how acquiring an agent and getting published works these days.  If you're looking for an introduction to the subject, this one is nice and comprehensive.

Not worrying about tomorrow

photo credit: Betsy Barber

I recommend to you holy simplicity: look before you, and regard not those dangers you see far off. As you say, they seem to you armies, yet they are only willow branches; and while you are looking at them you may make some false step. Let us have a firm and general intention of serving God all our life, and with all our heart. Beyond that, let us have no solicitude for the morrow. Let us only think of doing well today; when tomorrow arrives it will be called in its turn "today," and then we will think of it. We must here again have great confidence and acquiescence in the Providence of God. We must make provision of manna for each day and no more, and we must not doubt that God will send us more tomorrow, and after tomorrow, and all the days of our pilgrimage . . .

-St. Francis de Sales, from Thy Will Be Done: Letters to Persons in the World

I think I need to read this every day.

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell


This post contains Amazon affiliate links. (See full disclosure on sidebar of my blog.)

St. Francis de Sales, on Fear

Fear is a greater evil than the evil itself. O daughter of little faith, what do you fear? No, fear not; you walk on the sea, amid the winds and the waves, but it is with Jesus. What is there to fear? But if fear seizes you, cry loudly, "O Lord, save me." He will give you His hand: clasp it tight, and go joyously on. To sum up, do not philosophize about your trouble, do not turn in upon yourself; go straight on. No, God cannot lose you, so long as you live in your resolution not to lose Him. Let the world turn upside down, let everything be in darkness, in smoke, in uproar - God is with us. And if God dwelleth in darkness and on Mount Sinai, all smoking and covered with the thunders, with lightnings and noises, shall we not be well near Him?

Live, live my dear child, live all in God, and fear not death, the good Jesus is all ours; let us be entirely His.

-St. Francis de Sales, from Thy Will Be Done: Letters to Persons in the World

Amen.

Peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

This post contains Amazon affiliate links. (See full disclosure on sidebar of my blog.)

"Be at peace then"

"Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow;

The same everlasting Father, who cares for you today,

will take care of you tomorrow and everyday-

                                                

Either He will shield you from suffering,

or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace then,

and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-St. Francis de Sales

I'm back!

Sort of. I'm still at the hospital (3 weeks, 2 days and counting), but thanks to my kind brother-in-law, I finally have internet access!

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for the twins and for me and my family.

Today was actually a good day to get internet access back, because I actually have an update on the twins' conditions today; I had an ultrasound (first official one in three weeks) to check on the girls, and the estimate is that they're both weighing in at about 4 lbs right now, which is absolutely great for this gestational age! (approx. 32 weeks). It looks like I'll be delivering in two weeks, and boy, I can hardly wait!

One of the babies did show something slightly troubling though: a few small spots on the front of her abdomen, which might be nothing at all or might be the signs of a serious infection. There's no way to know which it is until she's born, so I ask your prayers that she will be just fine.


As for staying in the hospital . . . I've discovered that it's not that being in the hospital is bad, it's that not being home is bad. This lovely Catholic hospital has amazingly kind and competent nurses and staff, who make a hard stay a whole lot easier. But oh it is so hard not to be home. Hard to not see and hear and touch my kids.

And I think that God is giving me a crash course in "How Not to Worry 101". That perpetual temptation of mine is stronger than ever here. I just stop worrying about whether something awful will happen to our house (a fire maybe, or robbers) when it occurs to me that I can worry about whether or not the insurance will pay our hospital bill (despite having been previously assured that they will). My mom tells me that this is spiritual warfare, and I think she's right. And now I'm worried that there's something hideously wrong with one of the twins.

I am having so much practicing in putting away "anxious imaginations". But by God's grace, maybe by the time I get out of here I will be much better at trusting Him, having had so much time in here to practice.

I take about a five minute walk around the floor every night before I go to sleep, and one night this past week had me telling my Father, "I can't control any of this. I can't keep these babies safe and I can't keep my toddlers at home safe. I can't do anything to make this turn out well. I can't do any of it. You can do all of it." And then I realized that this was always true. I hope I remember that when I get out of here. It's a lesson I don't want to lose.

peace of Christ to you,
Jessica Snell

p.s. On the walls near the elevator on this L&D floor is a framed quotation from St. Francis de Sales. I stop and read it twice a day, on my brief walks. I don't have it memorized exactly yet, but it goes something like this:

"Do not think about tomorrow. That same heavenly Father, who cares for you today, will be with you then. Either He will shield you from sorrow, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Therefore put away all anxious thoughts and imaginations."